As an actress I meet new people all the time and on set I tend to have generic conversations to pass the time. Production hours may vary from 7am- 6pm or 1pm to 1am and talking to people in the same industry as me is crucial for my personal growth and opportunity. However I make sure that I never get into deep conversations because I want to remain professional and I’m not comfortable with the idea of being an open book. But on this particular day Thursday 17th March 2016 deep conversations commenced! I still wasn’t ready to give out free chapters of my book but I did enjoy listening to stories being told by 3 fabulous older women with experience under their belt. One subject in particular that stood out to me was friendship.
It’s funny because a day before this I was having a conversation with my cousin on the train about friendships and what it meant to sustain and have a mature friendship. We came to the conclusion that it is difficult to maintain friendships when you’re an individual that wont stick to the status quo’s of a group. As friendships start to blossom depending on the person, you realise some people are not as mature as others.
Maturity in a friendship.
Maturity in a friendship doesn’t mean you’re a boring whore who walks around with great posture. Maturity in a friendship reflects on how you deal with situations that attack the friendship. This happens to best of us. I went to an all girls secondary school, so you can imagine the hormones, the dirty looks, the bitchiness and the confrontation! I have to admit I was impressionable in fact we all where. If I was best friends with Hannah and you was talking bad about her, I would tell Hannah and everyone in my crew wouldn’t like you. If another crew in class was arguing, we would be nosey and judge the next girl for being a slutty whore LOL. I did enjoy school because I learnt girl code. I also learnt the wrongs and rights of a friendship.
When I moved on to college I enjoyed doing performing arts so much that I didn’t have time to bitch about people for petty reasons. I probably would get annoyed with the fact that Mike never puts effort into sharing his ideas or why Ashleigh would rather spend time smoking in the lobby area than acting in class. (Notice being bitchy for valid reasons LOL).
I do crave maturity in friendships because I believe that I have wasted so much time on fake friends or putting effort into relationships that don’t go anywhere. At the age of 23 I want to form real bonds and share real stories and make good quality friendships that can’t be broken by a stupid “what if” argument. If a friendship is gonna end then I want it to be for a secure reason. I am not disposable.
Disposing of your friends.
Being disposable is dropping someone really quick for example:
So I’ve known Gemma-Lee for a year now and the things we have in common are to do with our struggles in life. I borrowed Gemma-Lee £100 2 months ago. I’m not rich and I don’t have much money, in fact I need money as my funds are low and I keep seeing Gemma-Lee post pictures on social media about the new things she has brought. That leaves me to wonder why I havent received my money. That day I was feeling raged and angry for personal reasons and that was the cherry on top of the cake! So I expressed my feelings to her via her post and all hell broke loose. I cussed her and she cussed me and she decided to end our friendship. Reflecting back I was in a bad place and she wasnt communicating with me about when I would get my money back. My actions were very out of character but she didn’t notice and was quick to hang me to dry. We havent spoken since.
^^ GOOD EXAMPLE. To be honest with you it’s okay to cut people out of your life if you believe they are no good for you but when you dispose of someone you really don’t give them a chance to explain, you don’t even have time to reflect on the situation, you make impulse decisions that have people feeling like, well if you can no longer trust me after a small situation then were we even friends ??
If I feel disrespected I explain or I tend to give people space. I don’t write people off my friendship list I just make them fade untill they realise or are mature enough to approach the situation and deal with the issues. I tend to leave the ball in their caught. I’m never gonna waste my energy on begging for someone back when its a petty situation but if I feel like I fucked up or I really care about them I will go the extra mile. When I do give people space I’m not gonna lie, some people don’t bother ever communicating back and the friendship ends. That’s life.
When it comes to friendship groups everyone has favourites! I believe its normal to have someone you favour because you may have a closer bond but what I strongly do not agree with is people who make it clear they have favourites. Now this happened to me and it made me feel like an absolute twat.
I had this awesome friend lets call her Anastasia and like most friends we had fun times. So one time I decided to ask her what she’s was doing on the weekend as I wanted to go clothes shopping and she so kindly replied “I’m not sure what im doing, im going to have to see what my other friends are doing first.”
Call me sensitive but it seemed as though I was the plan b friend. She also did it again with her birthday, she didn’t invite me to her birthday! I didn’t know she was having a little gathering but she had the cheek to show me the pictures of her and her closer friends on her birthday. Where are friendships stands now you will never know LOL. But my point is people have favourites you really have to think about how you treat others and if you do get treated badly how will you deal with that?
Everyone who watches Real Housewives Of Atlanta understands how explosive confrontations can get. Especially if you’re surrounded by your friends. Everyone thinks their opinion is necessary, rude words are often exchanged, some people may lie, aggressive tones occur and the funniest part is that the point that they are trying to get across gets lost in the commotion.
So the question is should we avoid confrontation ?
I say no because confronting a situation is never a bad thing. In fact it shows good communication skills because you want to address a situation with intentions to resolve it. I find that people who avoid confrontation are left to assume the worst and have a hard time communicating with others. As I express how good confrontation is I want everyone to be aware that preparation is the key. Once we get in our feelings things can take a turn for the worst but if you enter a confrontation with your key points on how you feel and explanations things can’t go to wrong as long as you control yourself.
What if the other person gets really angry and wants to fight or doesn’t listen?
You cannot control what other people do, if you addressed the situation respectfully and they still get angry, dismiss you, laugh at you, wanna fight you. Then walk away your personality is too beautiful to entertain that persons foolishness. They just wanna see you hurt or get a reaction out of you. You’re intentions are pure and simply there to resolve issues for the outcome of a positive relationship and if they cannot see that walk away, give them space etc.
I bow down to people who give their friends tough love. I tend to sugar coat certain things because I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings. But my inner voice wanted to say “Fix your hair, get over yourself your hair is damaged! it’s a mess and everyone is talking about you, have some pride cause you’re not only making yourself look bad but your making me look bad to!” Tough Love is cutting out all the bulls**t and being 100% honest even if it hurts someones feeling.
If you’re still reading this remember I mentioned the three fabulous older women with experience under their belt. Well we had a blast speaking about the youth of today, self-confidence and friendships. One of the ladies told me the ugly truth.
The ugly truth
The ugly truth is that you can’t expect people to give you their all in friendships. Some of you reading this expect your friends to be your confidante, your shopping buddy, your raving partner etc but as we grow up people get busy, priorities change, kids come up, work gets in the way etc.! Friends do make time for each other and that’s what keep things alive. Calling, visiting their house, make them a priority when you have time will keep a bond. Telling a friend your too busy to talk after a whole week is not the way forward. Because there is twenty-four hours in a day, one hundred and sixty-eight hours in a week and six hundred and seventy-five hours in a month. If you can’t be bothered to send a simple text, a call or a Facebook message then how do you expect friendships to grow??
If you can’t expect friends to give you their all why be friends?
Well, in life we all have different types of friends and I doubt you’re going to find a friend that has every single thing in common with you. If you do, that is very, very rare. So you have to be picky and choosie with what you do with certain friends. Example:
You: Love to workout, your very talkative, love to travel.
Kasha rings every thursday night to gossip about her work mates, she enjoys going to bars, she’s a very talkative person.
Amber is a fitness freak, she enjoys salsa, yoga, zumba and the gym. She doesn’t drink alcohol and is not very talkative but loves to travel.
Anna-may is an atheist, overweight a big foodie who loves to bake, cooks different types of food, is very insecure but loves to get wasted at parties, hates to travel but loves to talk.
Lastly Melissa is a vegan, earns over 45,000 pounds and loves the finest things in life, loves to travel, single and she is your ex boyfriends cousin.
Now you’ve met your crew im going to break it down. This scenario is when you want your friends to give you their all.
You and Anna-May have a tight bond you visit her often. Shes makes you food, you watch tv and you confide in her about everything! She is your best friend however you love travelling and you want her to travel on holiday with you in summer. Kasha, Melissa and Amber will also be going. You know Anna-May hates travelling but you force her to go anyway. Before you book your flights Melissa says that she wants to go first class as she can afford it and doesn’t like being in coach. However you want all your friends to sit together so they can get to know each other. Melissa books a coach ticket. Whilst being on your flight Melissa complains for 5 hours about foot space, crappy foods and becomes very offensive to people living a less wealthy lifestyle. You’re shocked that she’s being so rude because you being in coach is not a big deal and you start to wonder what she thinks of you and your lifestyle. When you arrive to sunny Sunkist hotel you and Amber decide to see what fitness classes are available and book a lesson after being so jet lagged you decided to invite Amber to the bar for drinks and hotdog. However Amber doesn’t drink so she decides to get an orange juice but after half an hour she wants to go up stairs to do her night-time yoga routine. You get frustrated as you’re hot dogs havent arrived. Amber leaves and you’re left there by yourself wondering why Amber couldn’t just enjoy the surroundings and a good ol hot dog. The next morning Anna-May says that she wants to go back to England as she feels uncomfortable and fat. You and Anna-May have a deep conversation and Anna-May decides that she will stay in the hotel for the duration of the trip. Melissa and Kasha start gossiping about Anna-May they talk about her weight and her insecurities. You’re shocked as that is your best friend and you’re so disappointed in Kashia…..Do you get where im going with this everything backfired!!
Now here’s an example of when you use your friends according to what you have in common.
Amber and Melissa love to travel so you have decided to book a summer trip. Melissa says that she wants to go first class and you’re ok with that as you will still have Amber siting next to you. Before you go, you and Anna-May have a girly day she made you food, you’re watching your favourite programme and your discussing the future trip that you have planned for the summer. On the flight Melissa is in first class and delivers champagne to your coach seat with a message “broke bitch” you laugh. When you arrive to the hotel Sunkist you and Amber discuss fitness plans for the holiday. Melissa mentions that she’s vegan and wants to live a good lifestyle so you all start talking about healthy stuff etc and get excited! You and Melissa go to get a drink at a fancy bar whilst Amber is doing her nigh time routine and you tag a photo of Kasha saying “drinking for you” on Facebook.
You have to accept that everyone is different, people have different values, support systems, religions, ideas and priorities. So try not to get pissed off at a friend because they don’t meet all your expectations whatever you have in common that’s what you should bond on. And if you would like something more from a friendship then you should be open to discuss it.
Tragic Tuesdays: That is the ugly truth of friendship.
I write these posts so people can reflect on their friendships and life. So please comment below I would love you to share your opinion on the ugly truth about your friendships etc.