Evolution 02: Me Too|| Why I waited so long to reveal my truth

For The Uninspired Woman: We often believe that demons and monsters derive from story books created by incredible writers with huge imaginations. We often forget that these monsters exist in real life and they look just like me and you. I don’t have the ability to save the world but I can save myself and inspire others. After a tough emotionally challenging year I’ve decided to focus on evolving as a person and making decisions that are based on my moral compass. This is part 2 of the Evolution of …. Wonita Christine (For The Uninspired Woman),

You are the hero in your own story book

You may be a damsel in distress but unlike the movies and comic books, Peter Parker is not coming to save you!. No one is coming to save you from all your troubles and traumas, that’s just not fair on any individual. However on your journey you will meet extraordinary people who will impact your life in different ways. It could be as simple as words of encouragement or finding someone who takes the time to actually listen. This will aid your ability to seek out your inner strength………..

The fear of getting in trouble as a child

Getting in trouble by your elders is a really scary feeling when you’re a child. Think back to those moments when you accidentally broke the vase in your grandmas house or purchased the wrong item at the shop. As a child my parents were really good to me, they were not emotionally or physically abusive or threatening. I got hit once by my dad but then he felt bad and apologised. Regardless of how good they were to me I couldn’t tell them about my abuse. I was scared that I was gonna get in trouble because part of me knew that what was happening was wrong. I also didn’t want my abusers to get in trouble because I knew my dad would have went crazy and done something unthinkable.  I remember promising myself that I would never tell anyone. It was gonna be my deepest darkest secret. Even when my dad was dying I never told him (to be fair that wasnt even on my mind ). I just naturally distanced myself from my mums side of the family. 

There is a difference between kids experimenting with eachother at a young age and teenagers voilating younger kids.

Here’s a little advice to Parents, parents to be and guardians: Dont rely on the school to discipline your children and teach them about sex. School implements fear, hierarchy and an academic reward system. Create a safe place for your child to release their true thoughts and feelings. Teach them that failing is not a fail but an opportunity to try again with a different strategy. Talk to them about sex and consent. (I had sex education in year 6/7 I got abused way before then).

Parents often focus on the “I’m the parent, it’s my rules you must listen and respect me (even when im wrong) ” <- which is true but if you hear that enough times you start avoiding conflict and opening up to people who will listen.

Courage

It takes an immense amount of courage to face your deepest darkest secret. Just like you, I followed the Harvey Weinstein allegations and the Bill Cosby trail.  I was very disappointed by the ignorant comments and backlash that these women faced in the media. It reminded me of the many reasons why I kept my mouth shut for so long. In the mist of the bullshit one person in particular stood out to me, it was Rose McGowan a.k.a Paige Matthews from Charmed (My favourite TV series !! ). I was shocked to learn that she got blackball from the film industry because she rejected Weinstein. Fortunately for her she was able to have a career in television but this isn’t the fate for a lot Actresses. It shook me up a bit and made me think about what I would do in that situation.

The ‘me too.’ movement was founded in 2006 to help survivors of sexual violence, particularly Black women and girls, and other young women of color from low wealth communities, find pathways to healing. In my opinion the me too movement in 2019 tends to leave people with a bad taste in their mouth. This isn’t due to the organisation itself but more to do with peoples lack of compassion and understanding. It’s become a debatable topic that have some men scared of what they can and can’t do . A lot of people question the validity of the stories from the victims and it seems like a big mess. I must admit you naturally question things when documentries cue the sad the music for dramaic effect.

I think people need to understand that we all approach trauma in different ways. Take Jennifer Lewis as an example, her message transcended through the screen straight to my heart.  In an interview with The breakfast club she briefly touches upon a chapter in her book that discusses the trauma of being molested by her priest when she was a child.  There’s a section in the interview where she looks directly into the camera with so much strength and conviction and says:

” If you’ve been touched inappropriately! tell somebody! and if they don’t listen tell somebody else and then you stand out in the street and scream his or her name. Get it off of you hunny because you will eat yourself to death” 

Eating me alive

This happened a long time ago and I never let it get to me, I never broke down, It didn’t affect my sex life. It was just something that happened and you move on, it’s life but in the last two years of my life it started eating at me.

The me too movement played a big part in triggering my trauma. Thoughts of starting my own family often occurred and I would think about what type of mother I would be. Would my trauma turn me into a crazy overprotective mother ? Would I trust people around my children ? Would I allow them to have sleepovers ?

Listening to other victims and relating to their thought processes. Ate at me.

I still didn’t want people to be affected by my story because my abusers had their own family. Then I started thinking what if they did that to their own children! What if they were forcing their children to play with their genitals or forcing their private parts in them! It was eating at me.

Looking back at the 10 year age gap! and 5 year age gap. Realising that I actually got taken advantage of was pissing me off.

Looking back at my childhood photos, It was only then I realised that I had to save that little girl. Only I could do it

So I finally told my Mum in December 2018.

Why wait so long ??

Is the most frustrating and insensitive question i’ve come across. The reason why women take long is the same reason you stayed in that toxic relationship for years, the same reason why you stayed in that dead-end job knowing you weren’t going to progress. It’s the same reason why you go back to that Caribbean shop with shitty service and you don’t stick up for yourself  even when they talk to you like a prick……FEAR 

Fear will stop you in your tracks, it will keep you stagnant, it will have you lying and doing things you would never imagine! It’s important to get over fear and become FEARLESS.

Healing

Healing is a process! it’s not over night, its been 3 months and there were times when I was angry, times when I would drown in self-pity crying,  thinking why me!! Then I would regret saying anything! I’m still healing as we speak you don’t just feel better straight away! Even writing this has my heart racing. But my heart is racing because I don’t know what this will bring ?

To my abusers

So everyone, there was two of them and when my family found out, his response was that he doesn’t remember and that he would like to speak to me! and the other one, well his parents now know and they’re in denial and have just moved on. 

Throughout the years all I wanted was an apology, a letter, a text of regret but I don’t think I’ll ever get that. As a grown woman  I want the police to investigate whether your children are safe with you!. I want you to get therapy. I also wanna spit in your face and kick you in the fucking balls. The thing is one of you has also violated another cousin and I wish that the other cousin had the strength like me to speak up because it makes me sad that the person won’t say anything.

It feels like me VS the world. I guess I am that bitch. I’m a strong person and although I was a shy kid that you took advantage of you fucked with the wrong kid because im grown now.

 

Inspire

Although I feel rage as im writing this, I just want to say to other victims, don’t suffer in silence. I find writing therapeutic it’s my escape to an extent. So do whatever makes you feel liberated. You are not alone. Women and Men you’re not alone, i’m here.  I’ve written this to create a community for women and men that have been sexually abused by family members. I’ll probably do a video post because I want to get this energy out of my system. Im thinking of creating an event or a charity im not sure

 

See you next week Sunday for Evolution.03: Focus

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