For The Uninspired Woman: After watching two episodes of Blac Chynas reality show. I felt compelled to write about the effects that toxic mothers have on their grown children. The show displayed Chyna trying to rekindle her relaionship with her estranged mother Tokyo Toni. Things instantly took a turn for the worst when Chynas mother turned up the heat by being agressive, dismissive, threatening and hostile. (All characteristics of a toxic Mother)
Blac Chynas Mother displayed an amplified version of traits that some women in the black/ latin community have and use to raise their children. By no means am I implying that other races are exempt from toxic behavior, i’m just saying what i’ve noticed.
In our community some mothers born in the 60s or earlier tend to raise their children with the tough love approach. An approach that focuses on being authorative, having low tolerance and being less affectionate with hopes to to prepare their child for the real world by toughening them up. Which often translated into speak when spoken to and getting beat with belt or chanclate. Whether that approah was condusive to their mental health is debabtleable but we cant hide the fact that it was very toxic behaviour.
Ultimatley entitlememt is the main excuse used to cover up the toxic behaviour.
A common trait in toxic mothers is their unhealhty entitlement to their kids. Im not a mother so I don’t understand the bond between a mother and child but I do know that no one has the right to express themselves in any manner, with any tone, disrespecting boundries and making others feel guilty for their sacrfices all in the name of being a Mother.
It’s common for children to grow up feeling entitled especially when they are raised to believe that the house they live in is actually theirs (until your Mum starts threatening to kick you out because she pays all the bills). Entitlement in children can be unlearned and it’s important for parents to have that discussion and set boundaries and realistic expectations.
Throughout the episode Blac chynas Mum expressed her confusion as to how she could have a daughter that’s a millionaire whilst she’s homeless. Yes, that is very questionable but not once did her mother take accountability for her emotionally abusive actions and physical abusive tendencies. She did not once think how her actions could have affected their current relationship. Instead she focused on her ego driven entitlement.
In the current climate we’re living in, it is almost common culture to diss the deadbeat father and uplift the struggling mother. We never discuss the amazing dad and toxic mother. I think it’s very important to talk about taboo subjects with hopes of provoking change.
Top 10 Characteristic of a Toxic Mother
I’ve written this down to help you identify the traits of a toxic mother. You can use this information to inform others, help yourself and learn something new. I’ve also written the effects it may have on young adults and solutions for victims and mothers.
1 ) She pits you and your siblings against eachother….
Some children are only valued for what they do for their parents and not for who they truly are. When this is the case, it’s very easy for self centred mothers to get their children to compete for attention and affection.
She uses your accomplishments to make your siblings feel less than. Her reward system is based on what you can do for her and she has little interest in you as a person.
Effects: In later stages of life this behaviour can cause resentment and strained relationships between siblings. Issues may never get resolved and the family dynamic can become toxic and spill over to a new generation.
Your Solution: Your perception may have been seriously tainted so focus on creating your own experience with your siblings and get to know them for who they are now and not who they were when you were growing up.
Mothers Solution: Focus on your self worth and knowing that you don’t have to play games to win the attention from your children. Be genuine with them it may lead to satisfying results.
2) Constanly critiquing you….
There is a huge difference between giving constructive criticism and critiquing everything you do. No one in life is perfect and although parents want us to be the best. Its very toxic to constantly critique your child.
She critiques you more than she compliments you.
Effect: This can have a huge effect on a persons self esteem. They may never feel good enough and may enter romantic relationships with those who also critique them. In essence they struggle to break the cycle. May also lead to self doubt in a work environment.
Your Solution: Learn to trust your self and your thought making process. Opinions aren’t facts let them go.
Mother Solution: Spend more time focusing on your own accomplishments and stop judging your child. Allow them to learn from their mistakes and decisions. You’re not always right.
3) Dismissing your experiences…..
In conversations, she doesn’t respect or value your opinions because she doesn’t believe you’ve experienced much in life. She has a perception of you and if it doesn’t meet her standards she dismisses you. She can also be very dismissive when you discuss childhood memories etc.
Effects: Being dismissed can leave some people feeling voiceless and they may refuse to share their experiences with people in fear that no one cares or believes them. On the other hand this can breed intense frustration that will often lead to an argument that has potential to escalate.
Your Solution: Discuss your concerns in a mature manner, if she doesnt understand walk away. Remeber know your worth, you don’t need to fight for the truth. This is her issue.
Mother Solution: Listen to your children, that consists of being open to the idea that they maybe more educated/wise on subjects. Conversations aren’t always about you, its a two way streak.
4) Lashing out when she’s upset…..
Whether it be verbally or physically, she can’t compose herself and deal with her own stress so she lashes out on you. It makes her feel better in the moment and in some cases she may apologise, in other cases she may feel guilty and be nice and in many cases she wont acknowledge it.
Effects: Damages ones self esteem and leads to negative relationships with people especially if they grow up to believe this is normal acceptable behaviour.
Your Solution: Defend yourself, Walk away
Mothers Solution: Enrol in Anger management classes.
5) Abandoning you/ not prioritising you……
Whether it be a prior engagement , an emergency or she simply forgot !! There always seems to be an exuse as to why she cant be present.
Effect: Feelings of low self esteem, not feeling worthy, abandonment issues, unhealthy attachments to others, isolated from others.
Your solution: Remember you’re not the problem, she is. Peoples actions are not a reflection of you but of themselves. Now you know her regular behaviour patterns don’t set yourself up for failure (stop expecting her to show up! ) Re-shape your current expectations and accept who she is now unless you witness change.
Mothers solution: Communiate effectively, stop making empty promises, buy a calendar!
6) Gossips about your intimate conversations to others…
She tells your/her friends or family members about the confidential exchanes you have.
Effects: Humiliating, Issues with trust, low self esteem.
Your solution: Once you’ve noticed this pattern it is your job to stop confiding in you mother.
Mother solution: If you cant keep secrets, stop creating trust worthy atmospheres that you’re going to voilate and simply communicate that.
7) Forces her agenda on you…..
She’s very head strong and forces her ideology on you every chance she gets. She also makes you feel guilty if you don;t conform to her methods. She may even spread rumours to the family about you, making you seem like a rebel.
Effects: Never feeling good enough, low self esteem, may be deceitful to others, fear others judgement, distancing themselves from the family, they may feel an urge to break free.
Your solution: Have a mature conversation that involves addressing your morals, values, respect and boundaries.
Mother solution: Listen to your children, that consists of being open to the idea that they may be more educated/wise on subjects. They may also want to lead their life in their own way. Give them space to discover the world and reassure them that you’ll always be there when times get rough.
8) Be littles your accomplishments…
She downs plays your achievements as if she could do better. You’re never quite celebrated in the moment. She never really acknowledges the hard work you put in and struggles to compliment you.
Effects: Deep rooted feelings of never feeling unworthy. That may spill into work life and romantic relationships .
Your solution: Accomplishments are about learning and levelling up in life. Take control of your life and celebrate your achievements with those who care. Don’t dim your light because your mother cant appreciate it. You will be great regardless.
Mothers solution: Make an effort to be present when you see your child working hard. Ask questions, be involved, learn something new! Don’t blame funds and praise them ! encourage them!
9) Manipulating/ Gaslighting you……
Fundamentaly she makes you doubt your truth, experiences and sanity. When confronting her she diverts the conversation, repetitively questions you. There are many aspects to a person who is manipulating/ gaslighting you. Click the here to see more.
Effects: Mentally drainng, emotinally draining, trust issues, self doubt, delusions, depression, confusion.
Your solution: Don’t engage, abort mission! take a break from her so you can gather your thoughts. Build your mental strength! There is no point in arguing or being around someone as toxic as this!!
Mothers solution: Therapy
10) Addicted to narcotics
Shes wreckless with money, she spends all day out the house or stoned in the house. Her behaviour is very sneaky or shifty. She’s not coping with life, she has outeragoues outburts. You’ve seen evidence of drugs, you’ve witness her on drugs.
Effects: This can have a huge effect in many different ways from being emotionally drained, depressed, confused and hurt.
Your solution: Contact a help line
Mother solution: Contact help line
Remember toxic people can change but I prefer that you don’t hold onto that. Hold on to creating space and working on your own mental /emotional state. We all have deep issues but its never right to project it on to your child. Breathe. If they seek they help they need you will witness true change.